Do You Ever Compare Yourself to Others?

Have you ever noticed when meeting up with friends, chatting with colleagues or meeting new people, that the brain loves to make comparisons and ask questions?

Mine fills easily with:

“Did we make the right choices for our family?”

“Should I have done something else with my career?”

“Should I have more hobbies?”,

“Should we have travelled more?”

And let’s not forget the more concrete 'should' statements that can creep in like,

“I should cook more interesting and healthy food”,

“I need to update my wardrobe/music choices”,

“I should be working out more”,

“We should do more cultural stuff!”

The habit of comparison

Comparison is a natural human instinct. It is an evolutionary part of how we keep ourselves alive and thriving. And of course it’s not just a summer barbecue that leads to these comparisons. We walk around our workplaces, local communities, school drop offs - making comparisons. We compare, careers, bodies, parenting, creativity, money, relationships all the time.

When the comparisons come with judgment - either of ourselves or of others, that’s when it can hurt.

The red flag of judgement

Judgement shows us we’ve left our sense of personal safety. We’re rocked, unstable, unsure, unsettled, questioning ourselves.

When judgement shows up for me it comes as self-criticism, shaming or a frustration that I’m not where others are.

It can feel like I’m suddenly really uncomfortable in my own skin, like I want to wriggle out of it - I want to be wearing different clothes, be in a different body, in a different house with different belongings. That is my flight nervous system response in action.

Or I can watch myself disconnecting - not wanting to see people on a weekend or feeling drained by the events we go to. That is my shutdown/collapse nervous system activated.

Or I can find myself saying all kinds of weird things to belittle myself in front of others in an attempt to make them feel comfortable even though they don’t need it. I’ll say things like, “I’m rubbish at pulling meals together last minute - you’re incredible.” It’s true they are incredible, but it’s not entirely true that I can’t. But in these moments of comparison with judgement it seems I’m happy to make my self smaller. This is my please/appease nervous system in action.

And the result, even with people I love dearly, can often be a feeling of disconnection from myself, from them and a big fat cloud of unworthiness that hangs around me afterwards, in a life that feels like it is stagnating.

The power of regularly recognising the good in your life

The lesson I’m learning is that my sense of safety, of feeling grounded, of feeling enough needs tending to. No different to working out in the gym or practicing a musical instrument until you become better and better at it.

My stability comes from my connection to what is good in my life.

I can remember so many conversations with my husband years ago where he would reel off all the things over the past year that he had worked on, deeply feeling his sense of progress. Feeling the solid ground underneath him as he moved into the next task. All I used to be able to offer was my frustration at what I hadn’t achieved yet. Because my focus did not include what had already been built - just awareness of the next level that I hadn’t reached. He was working from his stability, jumping from one platform to the next, whilst I was trying to reach a platform from mid air, with nothing to push off from. If you are picturing a computer game, much like Mario World, yup - me too.

So reconnecting to what I have, where I am in life, what I am doing - is now a practice.

I’m building the solid ground underneath me by focussing on it. And I now deeply understand why gratitude is a concept widely advocated for in mindfulness and emotional resilience spaces. It builds a solid platform underneath you for just these occasions.

Because when I’m grateful for what I’ve created in my life, when I’m proud of what I’ve achieved and feel blessed for the people in my life then comparison doesn’t shake the ground beneath me, it offers me a moment for growth.

The Practice of Gratitude

That can feel like, “I like/love/appreciate where I am in life and I’m noticing how I can feel a pull in this moment to more fun/movement/creativity/diversity in my routine/body/home/relationships because friends are modelling that so well.

Instead of my survival state kicking in - my ventral vagal nervous system (safety state) is active and curious about this stirring. Comparison in this state of feeling grounded brings a feeling of clarity, inspiration and gentle motivation. I can respond with:

“What staples could I keep in the cupboard to make last minute dishes easier?”, “What is going on that we could go to as a family?”, “Where would we really want to travel to next?” 
 
I’m learning there is room for change and growth in our lives without shame and we can learn from what we envy or admire without hurting ourselves or others.

Judgement shows up through the cracks that already exist in my self esteem, self worth, self value. When I haven’t spent time tending to these wounds and reinforcing the connection with what is there that is great in my life, comparison can hurt and create disconnect in my important relationships.

My ‘muscle memory’ on what is good in my life is getting stronger and stronger, but I love that at The View Looks Good we have a community of people practicing this right alongside each other, because I for one deeply appreciate not being alone on this journey. If you feel the pull to do the same, come and join us!

Want to join a cohort of people working on their nervous systems? Check out our 'This is Me' course for a personal life focus or 'This is Connecting' for a workplace focus.

Have tips on what helps you when comparison creeps in? We'd love to hear from you!